one year

I remember the pain.
The searing pain in my chest.
The disbelief.
The aching.
Even now, a year later, I am not so sure my heart has healed.
The sobs.
The stabbing pain.
Not being able to breathe.
I am fairly certain that my heart literally broke.
The remnants of the pain remain today.
I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I didn't have the strength.
And still, my heart aches.
In the minutes, the hours, the days, that followed I was weak.
I layed in bed for a week in a sea of tears.
Crying for me. But mostly crying for her.
Crying for my mom.
Crying for lost time.
For all of the milestones and ordinary moments that were lost then, and the ones that would never be now.
I cried for her suffering. Physically and emotionally.
For her loved ones.
For everyone who would not have the privilege of knowing the mother I knew.
I cried for the girl who just wanted her mommy.
The mother I loved.
The mother I thought about every single day of my life.
The mother I admired.
The mother I hope I can be like some day. 
It's hard to believe that a year has passed already and there has not been a day that goes by that I haven't thought of her. In these past few weeks I have had the same thought echoing in my mind over and over again "this time last year my mom was dying and I didn't know it".

I want to do something to celebrate my mom's life. In doing so I think I can honor her and do a little bit of healing myself.
I've thought of many ideas.
Many ideas.
Some big, some small. But what I have decided is to join in Ali Edward's Yesterday and Today class at Big Picture Scrapbooking which begins in January.
My mom was an artist and I can think of no better way to pay tribute to her than to tell her story through art.  Although I know the journey may not be easy at times, I know it will definitely be worth it.
I'm looking forward to both the process and the end result.


Melissa said...

What a lovely post. I love the idea of doing Ali's class to celebrate your Mom's life.

Sian said...

My heart goes out to you today Melissa x

JO SOWERBY said...

i can highly recommend this class melissa as it makes you think so much about family and love, all the things that we often take for granted. ali is an amazing teacher.
it must be tough losing your mum and i hope you have plans to celebrate her today,
Jo xxxx

Rachel B said...

Thinking of you Melissa x

Liberty :) said...

this is beautifully written! brilliant way to celebrate your mums life. xx

laurie b said...

my mom died eight years ago on wednesday. she was 56 years old. it still hurts and i miss her everyday so i know where you are coming from.

Ginger said...

Sorry to hear of your pain and suffering... Ali's class sounds like the perfect way to pay tribute to your mom... take care.

Arlene Camacho said...

Thanks for leaving me a comment...this is how I found your blog!

I don't know you, but:


you brought tears to my eyes with your eloquent post about your mom...I think you are doing her memory such a great honor by doing the class...that way you have little bits and pieces to look at, to remind you of her.

This is a beautiful layout. Thanks for sharing.

Elizabeth said...

Melissa I feel like you feel. You said what I would have said about my mom as well. We hit the 2 year mark and I still feel the very same way that I did the day she left us.

I hope that class brings you comfort, I will be thinking about you! Hoping your week is a blessed one!

humel said...

This is such a beautiful post. Doing the class is a lovely way of honouring your mother's memory. Much sympathy to you on this anniversary xx

Lindsay said...

What a moving post! Peace be with you.

Thank you for stopping by my blog (scraptacular-which started as a scrapbooking blog & turned into a family blog!) & commenting on my new baby girl! You have a great blog!

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